Bad jokes!

[Colincbayley]

A lady walks into an expensive car dealership and
browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect,
beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if
anyone has noticed. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greets her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication, she
smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very
sorry to say that if you farted just touching it,
you're going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

[Colincbayley]

Liverpool's newest big-name signing, a Bosnian international, has just scored on his debut for the club and immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian-Scouser: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
B-S: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop and we only lost 3-1.
Mum: That's wonderful. But I'm afraid that things here at home aren't so good.
B-S: Why, what's happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can't walk anymore, and then raped your sister before moving on to the dog.
B-S: That's terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn't you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?

[Colincbayley]

George W. Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks Queen Elizabeth II, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
The Queen says, “Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Bush frowns and replies, “Well, how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a little sip of tea and says, “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.” The Queen pushes the button on her intercom and says, “Please send Tony Blair in here immediately, would you?”
Tony Blair walks into the room and says, “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles at Tony and says, “Tony, answer me this, please.
Your mother and father have a child.
It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
After many minutes of deep thought,eventually Tony Blair says, “Oh well, that would be me, I think, Maam.”
The Queen, surprised, smiles and says, “Yes! Very good Tony, well done.
Thank you!”
Back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled.
He asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.
“Hey Dick, answer this for me, would you?
Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
Dick Cheney frowns and says “Geez, I’m not sure. Lemme get back to you on that one.”
Dick Cheney goes to all his advisors and asks everyone he can but no one can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and
recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts over to him, “Hey Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it’s
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Colin Powell flushes and yells back, “Hey, that’s easy. It’s me!” Dick Cheney smiles and yells, “Thanks!” Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and tells Bush, “Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle - It’s Colin Powell!”
Bush gets up and angrily stomps over to Dick Cheney and yells right
into Dick’s face,

“No you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

[jeffrey]

Colin: update your joke database. TB is no longer Prime Minister; it was in all the newspapers. And HM is Queen of whole UK, not only England.

[Colincbayley]

Colin: update your joke database. TB is no longer Prime Minister;(That's just what they want you to think! :D ) it was in all the newspapers. And HM is Queen of whole UK, not only England.

The Queen is head of state for the commonwealth, not the UK

More to the point, these were my best jokes, do you want me to post the worst one's?

[Colincbayley]

OK, this one is the best I can do! Like it or lump it.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man
reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls
out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches
into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in
front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and
starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The
man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust
of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is
allowed only one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he
says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar
is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man
and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for
a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I
asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[DianeB]

Excellent jokes!

[Colincbayley]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[lorenzo]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach...
Heh! I like that one. All of us guys can relate to that one. :)

[gisela kirberg]

is ask her, and listen when she tells you.
much easier than building bridges to hawaii.
gisela

[lorenzo]

is ask her, and listen when she tells you.
much easier than building bridges to hawaii.
gisela
We all try, but women speak in a code that men don't understand.

e.g. "Is anything, wrong honey?"
"No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm fine"
"OK"

Now, there is a message embedded in the woman's few words that would take several chapters for a man to decipher, if in fact, he could unravel the seemingly contradictory (to the man) concepts within.

The man knows everything is NOT OK, but as he has to meet his mates down at the pub in a couple of hours, he knows there isn't time to translate the embedded female dialogue into the several chapters of normal English necessary for the male to have even the faintest hope of understanding.

This is how we know God is male, he knows the bridge is easier.</tongueincheek> :D

[Colincbayley]

The Secrets of Women's Language - Keywords and their meanings (A must-read for men )

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so inspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Crosses Arms:
this is a gesture. this means that she is waiting for you to say something else completely stupid. be careful not to ask what's wrong and you will get the answer of nothing with a loud sigh.

The Eye roll:
this is also a gesture. this also means she thinks you are completely stupid. this will prolly preceed the words oh really? and if you say i can explain you will get a please do or a go ahead with raised eye brows. when you get the fine, you know you've lost. try again in five minutes and maybe you'll get a small sigh. if not, please proceed to the nearest exit. the phrase she has in mind is, "Don't call me...I'll call you."

The Foot Tap:
This can mean one of two things, neither of which are any good news to you. It can mean A) why have you not commented on these really cute shoes (and or pedicure) i just got, trying to look good for YOU! in this case it will often be followed with the raised eyebrows and sometimes, a loud sigh. or B)she is saying to herself, I don't remember a time before i started standing here. You take longer to get ready then my sister for the prom. She is quite possibly considering the fact that you are a metrosexual, which, as all straight men know, is no good sign. When you are finally ready, or done with whatever it is that is keeping you from focusing all your attention on her you will get a thanks a lot. don't try to fight it, or you will more than likely get the eyeroll.


so let´s hope this clears some misunderstanding.....

[Colincbayley]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Colincbayley]

Typical English 40 something male, having split from his
latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on
a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that
is,
until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you
get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row
boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from
gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

" But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south
side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is
exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small
wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not
much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't
take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor
upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise
bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons
for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've
been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right
now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's
hearing.

"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to
form in his eyes.











Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

[Colincbayley]

In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decided to go to the far east, so she stowed away on a ship.a month later she was discovered by the captain,he was surprised to see she was well fed and tidy.he summised that someone in the crew must have befriended her. she said she,d been in the cabin of the first officer every morning, the nice young man had provided her with a nice hot bath and a 3 course meal and would do until they reached japan. "but what did he ask for in return?" the captain demanded. "well you might say he took advantage" the young lady said. "i,ll say he did"laughed the captain, "you,re on the liverpool to birkenhead ferry!!":

.......................


This big scouse fella 6ft 5 in. 350 lbs. is having a drink in a bar ,in walks this smartly dressed gay guy,after a few drinks the gay plucks up some courage and whispers in the scousers ear " do you want a blow job?" with this the scouser gets off his stool and starts the beat the c--- out of the gay guy. eventually he leaves him beaten to a pulpand strolls back to the bar." christ jimmy not seen you do anything like that before,what did he say to you?" asks the barman "dunno for sure" says the scouser "something about a job!!"

[Colincbayley]

St Peter is busy at the gates of heaven, letting those worthy to be allowed in. So he says to God...

"God, it is getting really crowded in heaven, we are going to have to limit the amount of people we allow in here."

*God thinks*

God: OK, I have the solution. Only allow the people who died really horrible deaths into heaven.

St Peter: OK then.

The first person comes to the gate.

St Peter: How did you die?

1st Guy: Well, I came home early one day from work to suprise my wife and as I walked into the bedroom, I caught her in bed naked. There were men's clothes on the floor, so I looked around everywhere for this guy.

I went out onto the balcony and there he was hanging off the balcony by his hands. I stamped on his hands to get him to fall but he wouldn't, so I grabbed this hammer that was on the floor and banged it onto his hands.

He fell, but he still was alive so I picked up the fridge with all my streingth and threw it at him and he died. Then I thought my life wasn't worth living anymore so I jumped off the balcony myself. That is how I died.

St Peter: OK, well that's a pretty horrible way to die. You may enter the gates of heaven.

(He goes in and the next guy comes along)

St Peter: How did you die?

2nd Guy: Well, I was doing some DIY work on my balcony in my flat when I tripped over and fell on my hammer. I found myself hanging off of the balcony below mine, and out of nowhere this guy comes stamping on my hands! I kept holding on, so he uses the hammer that I slipped on and hits my hands with it. I fell and somehow I was still alive but then he threw a fridge at me! That is how I died.

St Peter: OK, well that sounds like a pretty horrible way to die. You may enter the gates of heaven.

(He goes in and next guy comes along)

St Peter: How did you die?

3rd Guy: Well picture this, I'm hiding in this fridge...

[Colincbayley]

Simple Intelligence Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down
UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?










The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think
through the repercussions of your previous actions.











3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?









Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal
conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

[DianeB]

I got questions 1 and 2 right but 3 and 4 wrong. Does that make me half-witted?

[Colincbayley]

I got questions 1 and 2 right but 3 and 4 wrong. Does that make me half-witted?

Don't worry, I got them all wrong!!

[Colincbayley]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

[Colincbayley]

Blonde Bikers Bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"Hell No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[DianeB]

Loved the idea for a use for the shin bone. Had me in stitches!

I've heard the joke about the men dying and going to heaven slightly differently:

Man gets to Pearly Gates and is met by another man waiting to enter.

"How did you die?" he asks.

"Had a heart attack." first man replies. "I got home to find my wife naked in bed and I searched the house high and low. Couldn't find him and had a heart attack."

"I wish you'd looked in the freezer!" said the second man. "I froze to death!"

[Colincbayley]

READ THE TEXT BELOW BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PIC BELOW.
Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when
husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband
is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear
so got the underwater camera on the go. When it came to taking the pic the
dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took
it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was alright. The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to
the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was
OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely sh1tting himself. When the parents asked why he said "there was a shark
behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said
it was true and that they wouldn't believe him if he told them what it
was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop and this is what they saw. (Try and tell me you wouldn't have emptied your entire digestive system
right at the point you saw it) and would you have stayed to take
the picture??


















10

[jeffrey]

St Peter: How did you die?

1st Guy: Well, I came home early one day from work...
To supplement Colincbayley's post, here's a related story.

Another man similarly comes home early one day from work. He finds his wife in bed, alone but naked.
"Why are you in bed naked?" he asks, not unreasonably. "Are you ill, darling?"
She replies, "Er, no. It's just that...I haven't got a thing to wear."
Surprised, he goes to the wardrobe. "Look, darling, here are your clothes. You've a red ball-gown, a blue trouser-suit, a green skirt, Hello Harry, a black dress..."

[Colincbayley]

man bought a bar and it wasnt doing well, then one night in walked a big white rabbit, walking up to the bar it said i'll have a pint of lager and a ham and cheese toastie. the barman suprised gave it what it wanted, it ate his toastie and drank his lager and left.

next night same thing rabbit came in a pint of lager and a ham and cheese toastie this went on for several nights and the bar got busier and busier as more and more people came to see the rabbit.

one night the rabbit came in and asked for his usual pint of lager and a ham and cheese toastie. the barman said, i am so sorry we have been that busy we have run out of ham, can i get you a nice bacon toastie, do you think i will like that said the rabbit. i'm sure you will said the barman. ok says the rabbit i will have that, he finished it and left, never to be seen again.

a year later the bar was in a bad way again and the barman was getting ready to go home, when he looked up and there above his head was this white shape floating above his head. what are you asked the barman, don't you recognised me i am the white rabbit that used to come in and get a pint of lager and a ham and cheese toastie. of course i remember you said the barman, what happened to you. i died said the rabbit, i'm sorry to hear that said the barman what did you die of ? the rabbit replied mixing my toasties

[Colincbayley]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a dominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact, "he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy reflect the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because, I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch

[Colincbayley]

Converting a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.


They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages, goes first. 'Well,' he says, 'I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother
of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, ' WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went
out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and
we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start.'

[Colincbayley]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "No".

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head, "No".

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, stands her up, lifts up the back
of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her a lick, on her
right butt cheek, with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, she screams and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his seat.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it afore."

[Colincbayley]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
a intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the magnate,
married O. Schitt, the owner of Neepdeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high
school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with rather a nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Nuptuals. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned home from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

[jeffrey]

Converting a Bear
.
Don't try this in Sudan.

[Colincbayley]

Don't try this in Sudan.

A remark like that will cost you 15 days in jail or 40 lashes ( ooouch !! )

[jeffrey]

A remark like that will cost you 15 days in jail or 40 lashes ( ooouch !! )
I couldn't bear the thought. Ursine of things to come?

[Colincbayley]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Colincbayley]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[Colincbayley]

A LITTLE-KNOWN CHRISTMAS FACT:

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas Santa.

Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?

Where would you like me to stick it?'

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.:D

[Mrs Dingle]

My husband just had a text from a dating agency.

It read "We notice you have not had any response to your advert for three years"

"Would you like to try a week without a picture?):D

[Colincbayley]

"Would you like to try a week without a picture?):D

Taken me, 10 mins to stop laughing at that one.

[jeffrey]

My husband just had a text from a dating agency.

It read "We notice you have not had any response to your advert for three years"

"Would you like to try a week without a picture?):D
1. You don't sound v. concerned that Mr Dingle is seeking non-connubial connections. Doesn't he want you to play with his Dingle-ingle-ing?
2. As for Channel 4 and Five, a week with no picture (and no sound) might be preferable.
3. Why the urgent text? How could it be urgent after three lean years?

[Mrs Dingle]

Only joking:D

I laughed a lot too at that one.

I laugh everytime I read it.

I need to get out more.

[jeffrey]

I need to get out more.
Join the England cricket team, then. They're always getting out.

[Mrs Dingle]

Talking of out? Where do you find the expiry date on your marriage certificate!:D

[jeffrey]

Talking of out? Where do you find the expiry date on your marriage certificate!:D
1. I hadn't realised that anyone still bothered getting married. They're all much too busy ****ing.
2. Surely one could argue that the Certificate isn't binding, by pleading on grounds of insanity.
3. To avoid the need for marriage and divorce: buy a house, find someone you really hate, and hand it over (with most of your money).

[Colincbayley]

Talking of out? Where do you find the expiry date on your marriage certificate!:D

The only thing that expires on a marriage certificate is 'life as we know it' (from a male point of view that is)

[Colincbayley]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of euros for dinner.

I took out my purse, got out ten euros and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said..
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

[jeffrey]

Colin: shame on you, sourcing your jokes from the eurozone and:
a. a female writing in order to denigrate men as being mean; or
b. a male covertly writing from a female perspective in order to denigrate women as being vacuous.

[Colincbayley]

Colin: shame on you, sourcing your jokes from the eurozone and:
a. a female writing in order to denigrate men as being mean; or
b. a male covertly writing from a female perspective in order to denigrate women as being vacuous.

I just send 'em as I get 'em!

Besides i'm not euro prejudice or sexiest, I just hate EVERYONE!! :D

[jeffrey]

I just send 'em as I get 'em!

Besides i'm not euro prejudice or sexiest, I just hate EVERYONE!! :D
No, you aren't sexiest; that's Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman, or Lucy Porter.

[Colincbayley]

No, you aren't sexiest; that's Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman, or Lucy Porter.

Not so sure about Cameron Diaz?

[Colincbayley]

No, you aren't sexiest; that's Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman, or Lucy Porter.

And I think I have my own charms!
13

[Mrs Dingle]

And I think I have my own charms!
13 I think we need a bigger picture!

Or you should have gone to spec-savers

[jeffrey]

Not so sure about Cameron Diaz?
Better than David Cameron.

Here's some more famous Camerons:

Dr Cameron, Dr Finlay's colleague (played by Andrew Cruikshank)
Cameron McKenna (big London solicitors)
Cameron Mackintosh (theatrical impressario)
James Cameron (famous journalist)
and, last -but least - Cameron from Big Brother.

[Colincbayley]

That is actually quite a good idea. You could have a fixed term marriage.....

No this is not a good idea, I suggested it to my misses and she said we already have a fixed term marriage, the term is for LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bugger!! :(

[Colincbayley]

Don't laugh.

The press has been (rightly) outraged at the treatment of the poor woman from Liverpool over the naming (at the request of the children!) of the teddy.

No-one has mentioned what happened to the teddy. It has not been seen in public, or on TV, since "judgement" was passed.

Very disturbing.

Don't panic, the poor teddy is safe and well ( He also got 15 days in jail ) and is serving his time working on D wing as a stuffed toy.
I have managed to get the most recent photo!
14

[jeffrey]

That is actually quite a good idea. You could have a fixed term marriage, which at the end of the fixed term could become a statutory periodic marriage. Either party could serve two months notice to end the marriage, howevrer if one party served the correct two months notice the other party could terminate it with no warning.

"The Marriage Act of 1753 as amended by the housing act 1998"

AND solicitors could be involved in Transfer of Spouse conveyancing. Mr A and Mrs A need not divorce on grounds of her adultery with Mr B. Instead, Mr A transfers his wife to Mr B. There would be a Chief Marriage Registrar, at HM Marriage Registry, where spouseship Transfers would have to be registered.

[pcwilkins]

And how about a HIP equivalent?

Peter

[Colincbayley]

And how about a HIP equivalent?

Peter

I think that should be SIP not HIP ( Spouse Infomation Pack )
I'm not even going to go into what it should inc. :rolleyes:

[jeffrey]

I think that should be SIP not HIP ( Spouse Infomation Pack )
I'm not even going to go into what it should inc. :rolleyes:
First item must be Spouse Seller's Information Form.
1. Looking towards the spouse, who owns or maintains or accepts responsibility? If shared, please give details.
2. Do you know of any disputes? If yes, please give details.
3. Have you sent or received any letters or noticeswhich affect your spouse in any way (for instance, from or ot neighbours, the Council, or a Government Department)? Please give details.

etc.

[jeffrey]

That is actually quite a good idea.
"The Marriage Act of 1753 as amended by the housing act 1998"
It could be the Spousing Act.

[jeffrey]

Better than David Cameron.

Here's some more famous Camerons:

Dr Cameron, Dr Finlay's colleague (played by Andrew Cruikshank)
Cameron McKenna (big London solicitors)
Cameron Mackintosh (theatrical impressario)
James Cameron (famous journalist)
and, last -but least - Cameron from Big Brother.

...and Rhona Cameron (Scottish lesbian comedian)

[Colincbayley]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

[Colincbayley]

This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.
NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[Colincbayley]

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent miles,
Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up
the
subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues
andfinally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience
one
another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bed room where the
Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and

just a quarter inch thick.


"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.


With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says,"That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long
pencil, it's still pretty
narrow...."


''No problem, he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider
and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the
woman. "Wow!"
she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks Well, was it any good?" I hate to say
it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good.
How about you?" "It was horrible, "he replies. "All I got was a
headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears "

[Colincbayley]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that
was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"

[Colincbayley]

I bought a teddy for £10 named him mohammed and sold it on for £20... have I made a prophet?????

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel...
This will be for the for the christmas period only....

I also heard that Tampax were doing a special 'buy one get one free' offer. But it's for a limited period only

After all the fuss about a teddy named Mohammed, Sooty has cancelled his tour of Jamaica.

[Colincbayley]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions'.
'onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

[DianeB]

Colin, I don't know where you get them from, but keep 'em coming!

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/happy/671.gif

[jeffrey]

keep 'em coming!

Oo, er, missus.
*snigger* [apologies to Skengland ]

[Skengland]

Quote:
Originally Posted by DianeB
keep 'em coming!


Drat, I missed that one....

[Colincbayley]

What's all the sniggering about, something funny ( can't be the jokes ) :p

[Colincbayley]

Paddy was shocked to learn from the vet that all his cows had been diagnosed with Blue Tongue.

'Bejesus!' he exclaimed. 'I didn't even know the buggers had mobile phones!'



Three men die on Christmas eve. To get into Heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Christmas". The English man flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle". St Peter lets him pass. The Welsh man gets his keys out and jingles them and says "They are bells" St Peter lets him pass. The Irish man gets out a G-string and St Peter says "What the hell has that got to do with Christmas?" Paddy says...

"They're CAROLS!":eek:

[Colincbayley]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."





He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery

where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked

vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot.







So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !"



His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying

uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was...



CELEBRATE!!!"

[pcwilkins]

"The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"

But what was the sentence?

My favourite was the sample exam responses someone sent me. Apparently this was a genuine answer.

Peter

[jeffrey]

But what was the sentence?
Peter: try pronouncing "celeb[r]ate" without the "r".


My favourite was the sample exam responses someone sent me. Apparently this was a genuine answer.

I like that! Very good, if genuine.

[pcwilkins]

Peter: try pronouncing "celeb[r]ate" without the "r".

Yes, I got that bit :rolleyes: (not being a complete idiot) but I was struggling to think of a sentence in which one could reasonably replace "celebrate" with "celebate" and still end up with a meaning. Anyway, isn't it celibate?

E.g. "We celebrate Christmas" makes sense ---- "We celebate Christmas" doesn't.


I like that! Very good, if genuine.

Here's another, not quite so good though. The "Peter" was not me, honest.

Peter

[Colincbayley]

There once was a Russian Tsar whose name was Rudolph the Great.
He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It's raining."

She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.
And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!".........

[Colincbayley]

This is very REAL and very IMPORTANT, so I am passing it on to everyone I know. Please pass it on to the people you care about, relatives, friends classmates or former classmates. It is important they be aware of this danger.

Never

Never

Never

Ever...

...fart in a wet suit!
21

[Rodent1]

Colin ....is that you being a gimp?

[Colincbayley]

Colin ....is that you being a gimp?

No, I'm the one just outside of the shot holding a very large pin! :D
(by the way what is a gimp?)

[Skengland]

Have you never seen Pulp Fiction?

The Bruce Willis character (the name excapes me) ends up tied up with Marcell Wallis (sp) in a gun shop owned by Zed. Zed says "Bring out the gimp". A man, dressed from head to foot in black rubber with a red ball in his mouth is bought out and chianed up...Then it all gets a bit nasty...er better to watch the film.

Apologises to aficionados of Pulp Fiction who I am sure will correct me, as well as the spelling and grammar police!!! :o

[Colincbayley]

Why men don't talk in public toilets

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, one of which was already occupied.

So I entered the vacant one and dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice from the next cubicle said "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude, replied "Yeah not too bad ta".
After a pause I heard the voice again, "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo....How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time...."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some idiot in the next loo answering everything I say!"

[Colincbayley]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the

appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he

would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would

try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

> > >>>>

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made

it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each

letter

out

loud as he

typed...

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer

replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Colincbayley]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmotoys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the newemployee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, sothe 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the
end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to
her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Colincbayley]

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....






........'May I enquire as to what the turkey did?'

[Colincbayley]

Especially for all you dedicated mothers!!!!

Subject: The 3 Bears


A far more accurate account of the
events of that fateful morning ...


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in
his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is
empty.


"Who's been eating my porridge?"
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big
table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is
also empty.



"Who's been eating my porridge?!?"
he roars.


Mummy Bear puts her head through
the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,


"For God's sake, how many times do
we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got
up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was
Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the
dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this
once....



I HAVEN'T MADE THE
DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!!!"

[Colincbayley]

Top Twenty Five Country (YeeHaw) Classics - Yep!!
These are real song titles (honest)

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

17. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single And I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

[Colincbayley]

Now he's no longer PM, Tony Blair has started jogging daily near his home. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what became a daily exchange.
Fifty pounds" she would cry
"Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then the hooker yelled, "See what you get for a fiver!!!

[Colincbayley]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'.

He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.

He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.

After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: 'We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!'.

To which his wife replied: 'I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again.'

[Colincbayley]

This guy asks his boss for the day off. "Why do you want the day off"? asks the boss. "Because my wife is going to have a baby" replies the guy.

Back at work after the day off the boss asks " Well, is it a boy or a girl"? "Oh it takes months" comes the reply.

[jeffrey]

No they will not correct you, they will just get mediaeval on your ass!
What, like that Spanish ass: Donkey Jote?
[joke works better in Spanish pronunciation mode]

[Rodent1]

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many
Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you've
heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call
her up.


You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the a rse.....'

[Skengland]

Did they get the trip to the Gold Coast???

[jeffrey]

Did they get the trip to the Gold Coast???
Perhaps they're Ghana with the Wind. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

[jeffrey]

Q: What sort of stripy mints did Ebenezer Scrooge have on his pub's counter?
A: Bar humbugs.

[Colincbayley]

"What's taking so long?" shouted an exasperated golfer as he waited for his partner to line up a tee shot.
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse," explained the other man. "This needs to be a perfect shot."
"Forget it," said the golfer. "You'll never hit her from down here."

[Colincbayley]

Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes
so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of them yelled,
"Whooo is it?"
‘‘the blind man!'' He yelled back.
They decided since he was blind it would be all right.
They opened the door and the man said, ''Nice boobs! Now where do you want the blinds hung?"

[Colincbayley]

Murphy buys a new bath at B & Q and has to return it a few days later. He complains to the assistant that the water wont stay in it. She asks if he bought a plug. "No bugger told me it was electric replies Murphy"

[Colincbayley]

Three men were waiting to get into heaven. St Peter opened the gate and asked them how they died.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I
knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work
one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't
find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the
darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him
with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush
so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him,
the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on
my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day
and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God
spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier
when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating
my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I
landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top
of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just
picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator...'''

[Colincbayley]

Defective Parrot

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .'

'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my dingaling around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'

The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the man.

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...'

Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

[jeffrey]

Three men were waiting to get into heaven...
Tut tut, Colin: post #100 is same joke as post #16!

[Colincbayley]

Tut tut, Colin: post #100 is same joke as post #16!

I know, it's a Christmas Repeat!:D

[Colincbayley]

Lifestyles of Men and Women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE... DRINK

17... Winecoolers
25... White wine
35... Red wine
48... Dom Perignon
66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17... Need to wash my hair
25... Need to wash and condition my hair
35... Need to color my hair
48... Need to have Francois color my hair
66... Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping
FAVORITE DRUG
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17... "Burger King"
25... "Free meal"
35... "A diamond"
48... "A bigger diamond"
66... "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17... tall, dark and handsome
25... tall, dark and handsome with money
35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48... a man with hair
66... a man
HOUSE PET
17... Muffy the cat
25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17... 17
25... 25
35... 35
48... 48
66... 66
IDEAL DATE
17... He offers to pay
25... He pays
35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66... He can chew breakfast
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages
DRINK at age...
17... Beer
25... Beer
35... Scotch
48... Double scotch
66... Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE at age...
17... My parents are away for the weekend.
25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48... My wife is away for the weekend.
66... My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT at age...
17... Sex
25... Sex
35... Sex
48... Sex
66... Napping
FAVORITE DRUG at age...
17... Pot
25... Cocaine
35... Really good cocaine
48... Power
66... Advil
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age...
17... Cop a feel
25... Breakfast
35... She didn't set back my therapy
48... I didn't bump into her kids.
66... An actual erection
FAVORITE FANTASY at age...
17... Thirdbase
25... Airplane sex
35... Menage a trois
48... Taking her company public
66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET at age...
17... Roaches (to be burned later)
25... Old college roommate
35... Irish setter
48... Children from her first marriage
66... Barbi
THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age...
17... 25
25... 35
35... 48
48... 66
66... 17
IDEAL DATE at age...
17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25... Split the check before we go back to my place
35... Just come over
48... Just come over and cook
66... anything involving the opposite sex

[Colincbayley]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Authority dog chow for Jacques the wonder dog at PETSMART and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I can be difficult and an occasional wise a--, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Authority Diet again.

And although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes sticking out of my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Authority nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit us both.

I'll have to be more careful in the future because the guy behind her almost had a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

PETSMART won't let me shop there anymore.

[Colincbayley]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2007 RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
Don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

----------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2007
RE: HolidayParty

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

---------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

---------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people; Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
--------------------------------------

FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 05, 2007
RE: The Holiday Party

Vegetarians, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! ,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 06, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

[Colincbayley]

A woman enters a mechanic shop and asks the clerk for a 710 cap.

The clerk is surprised and goes to the warehouse clerk and asks him about a 710 cap.

He doesn’t know either so he calls a mechanic over and asks him about a 710 cap, but nobody has heard of a 710 cap.

The woman insists and says it is a part that goes on her motor and that it had mysteriously disappeared. She needed to find a new 710 cap.

Considering nobody knew anything about a 710 cap, the clerk asked the woman if she could draw this 710 cap.

The woman, who incidentally had taken some drawing classes, didn’t have a problem with this, being she remembered what the 710 cap looked like. She took a piece of paper and a pencil and drew a circle about 8 cm in diameter and wrote in the center the number 710.
24

[Colincbayley]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hard ly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

T he 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[Colincbayley]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they ha ve started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bi tch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Obviously, the kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[DianeB]

Dear All:

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year....

I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,207 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward the email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat while I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way ... a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ's who have infrequent sexual activiy always read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.




Okay, so it isn't a joke but I haven't spoken to you all for so long I'm sure you were all wondering where I was (yeah right!)

[Colincbayley]

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and
we could all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice I
read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off
all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see all
the things I had started and hadn't finished . And before leaving the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of
white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels,
the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

Boy, do I feel GOOD!

[Colincbayley]

Save a Skunk!

A couple were driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to
stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, she got
out to see if it was still alive. It was.

She said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with
us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'Okay, get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?' she asked.

'Just hold it's little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the **** out
of him died at the scene.

[jeffrey]

Ouch, Colin: how to dress-up an old joke (re nasectomised canine's fragrance retention).

[Colincbayley]

I just post em as I get em! :p

[Colincbayley]

Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac:

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog !

[Colincbayley]

HUSBAND'S LETTER

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'



When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. About my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

[jeffrey]

We can tell that you're using USA sources, Colin!

We say, "Maths." (and "Sport").
They say, "Math." (and "Sports").

And "tomato".

PS: as this thread is already three pages long, could someone seal it up and start another?